Tuesday, July 5
forced myself to take a nap when i got home after history because i was so looking forward to it. funnily enough, i couldn't get to sleep. brain was screaming history! arghh. mr ngoi just mgsed telling me to pass up my hwk before chinese bt. whoops. i don't know where my file /hwk / whatever is anymore.
thought of something bev, serene and i were talking about yesterday. yes i know my brain is a bit laggy, i only fully process thoughts some time after conversations. for one, people who can't stand me verbalising ideas and label me as crappy can avoid torture. for another.. it just happens. anyway, we were discussing my romantic prospects [
why does this topic always come out?? are you
that convinced i am fated to be sad and alone all my life??] and bev was agreeing with siti and serene that i should just accept whatever idiot goes after me because the poor fellow would have to be incredibly gutsy to put up with my verbal abuse, scorn and well generally he'd have to be thickskinned. and i can't remember how that linked to this, but serene said i'm actually happy to be unique *cough* strange.
actually. that's sort of true. i mean, as happy as i get when i find someone who's wild over my kind of music, likes reading and daydreaming and well listening to fantastic music.. i've also gotten somewhat used to not being understood in every single aspect. i mean, how often do you find someone who's an exact replica of yourself? i used to think my soulmate would have to be exactly like me to understand me.. but i find that's no longer true. one can understand or at least accept and uphold an aspect of someone else without having it. that's love. in fact, if i got together with someone who's exactly as crappy and moody as me, we'd probably kill each other. besides.. if i'm so replacable.. so expandable.. then i'll just have to kill
myself. i don't want to be like my sister anymore. it's too hard, it's just not coded for in my dna even though it is in hers. but.. to find someone exactly like me.. thinks like me, feels like me, writes like me, talks like me,
is me.. that would be hard to swallow. i've come to believe that there will always be a mountain higher than another, that i will always play second fiddle to another. but to play second fiddle to someone else at being me..
identity crisis.
a.i. is still in my head. keep remembering the way he cried 'mommy mommy mommy' and ran to hug her.. and i keep wondering why the robots seemed so real, if they couldn't love. in fact, i think the movie portrays them as too human to be mere mechas. the way the woman mecha held on to david.. the way she held his hand.. her smile of encouragement as they poured hot oil over her.. isn't that love?
chris called the other night from aust just to let me listen to 5 mins worth of song. hahahha that was so surreal. thankyouuuuu for being the beautiful, wonderful, vivacious girl you are. =D
i'm not studying for lit because i can't find my notes and anyway there are too many stacks of paper to read. i think i'll just hunt for my chinese hwk to do between papers.
how can i not love you?
what do i tell my heart, when i do not want you here in my heart?
how does one walk away from all of the memories?
how do i not miss you when you are gone?
- how can i not love you, from anna and the king.
it must've been love.
6:08 pm
xoxo
